I know it’s late and I should be heading to bed now, but I feel compelled to pen down the thoughts swirling in my head right now.
I heard about a schoolmate who will be flying to the US to major in dance as well as study international relations (if I’m not wrong). I never expected such a piece of news to bother me much. But when I was finally home after a long day at East Coast Park, followed by a movie at Cineleisure, I realised that the truth is: I do feel bothered. I am affected by the news – I am envious; envious that I didn’t possess the kind of courage that my schoolmate had, to take the leap of faith and pursue what she is truly passionate about. I wish I had the courage to opt for the path less travelled. I wish I had the courage to sit down with my parents and tell them firmly that it is my ardent desire to pursue a dance major overseas. I wish I had the courage to face up to myself and push for what I honestly would love to do, even in the face of my parents’ objections. But it’s too late now. Applications to overseas universities are closed, and I am already enrolled into SMU. Sometimes I wish I were more rebellious. Sometimes I wish I did things to please myself more than my parents. Sometimes I wish I didn’t take after some of my parents’ traits. Without doubt they should be deservingly classified under the moderately to extremely risk-averse category, which I hope I don’t belong to, but I think I belong to. Their decisions are very ‘safe’, practical, and calculated options – pursuing solely dance alone is unwise as there is a relatively high risk of me not being able to make a name for myself in that arena. Moreover the fact that possessing only a dance degree narrows my future potential job scope compounds the level of risk involved in such a choice. Also, sponsoring me without the aid of any scholarship would not be feasible because it will burn too large a hole in their pockets.
I know I can’t blame my parents. It isn’t their fault, really. But I can’t help but feel a little sour and spiteful. Actually it’s me whom I am angry with. I can only lay blame on myself and no one else. Who is the one who lacked the courage to lead life the way she wanted it?
But regret is a useless emotion; all we have is today and tomorrow. Since I have made a decision to pursue a business degree at SMU, I have to stand by it. I just pray that 23 years of age wouldn’t be too old an age to pursue a dance degree. I am unsure whether I’ll be up to it in 4 years time. Will I still have the drive? Will I have the courage? Will I be able to support myself financially if I were to make such a decision?
Life is full of questions… when will I get the answers?
